I've neglected this blog site for way too long... anyhow...

After a few bouts of major shifts and changes that left me feeling lost and confused, I suddenly realized that I'm not moving... (Finally!) I've been working in this company for three years now, and I haven't achieved ANY of my objectives for going back to work in a call centre environment. Worse, I'm in a much bigger fix than I was back then (in all aspects of my life). The only solution that I could think of right now is applying at a call centre near our area and resigning from my current company. (Tipid sa pamasahe, closer to home, new environment). I guess I got the idea from this pc I'm trying to fix. I have this tendency to reset and reformat everything whenever things get so messed up...

My friend advised me to think about it first - think hard and think twice. And I will - I guess. I'm doing some research on this company I'm eyeing. It's your typical call centre environment... The question is, am I prepared for this? I know that the "reformat" would be useless if I don't figure out what went wrong in this current company - why history kept repeating itself, and why I haven't achieved the objectives I've had when I started out in this company...

Was I too idealistic when I entered info? Or did I get distracted again? Was it because I only had a blurred idea back then as to how I will achieve my objectives? I guess I'm a bit wiser now... something good came out of this experience I guess...

And I have more freedom now, since there were some financial blessings for the family... Grace graduated from college, and is now working... TJ is starting work at a better company, with better pay... Lastly, we've paid off our BPI debt.

So right now, I'm "iterating" - trying to layout the framework for my "grand idea". I'm shifting my priorities, I guess... I'm giving myself some time to think about this... I hope this quarter would be enough time (ie. June - September)...

I hold on to this hope that things will be better this time, and I'll finally get it right this time. As they say: "Get it right the first time. You're only young once, but if you work it right, once is enough." Sigh...

Sa sobrang kalituhan, kahit wala akong tulog at medyo nakainom... gising pa rin ako...

There was a party last night, a sort of victory party. May championship game si possibility. I sent him a forwarded quote, wishing him good luck. It worked I think. Ang galing daw niya sa game. He even made it to Mythical Five. During the party, some of my friends convinced me to go near him at the dance floor. I agreed, kasi malapit na din ako umuwi - seize the moment right? Not at all! Umalis siya sa dance floor. I was crushed, at kitang kita yun ng lahat. My friends tried to console me and all, but I just had to get out of that situation. Umuwi tuloy ako kaagad...

Backtrack a little bit...

Tatlo sa mga friends ko ang nagsabi na may pinopormahan siyang girl. Pero everytime na sinasabi sa akin yun, meron din siyang ginagawa (coincidentally) na sort-of naga-assure sa akin that his affections are with me (really now...) Me and my twisted logic... The last time, nahuli sila sa isang tagong corner ng locker area... Hindi naman dapat ako mag-selos, pero nag-selos ako... basta, nagtampo din ako and all... medyo magulo... baka ito ang dahilan ng iyong pag-walkout...

Backtrack ulit...

I was on vacation leave for one whole week for my much awaited Boracay trip... Nag-text siya ng isang super sweet quote... Ang last statement "if she truly loves me, she will come back to me" (kakaiba talaga siya bumanat)... Balita ko pa, hinahanap daw niya ako... ako naman, kilig to the max...

Bumili ako noon ng mga pasalubong for everyone, including him. Nung una, hindi ko pa talaga sure kung ibibigay ko yun sa kanya, pero sabi nila na humihingi daw siya ng pasalubong. At dahil ako lang ang nakabili ng extra, ni-refer nila siya sa akin...

Sa mga binili kong pasalubong, meron nag-iisang dolphin. Biniro ko ang sarili ko, na pag siya ang nakakuha ng dolphin, may ibig sabihin ito... And wouldn't you know it, siya pa rin ang nakakuha, kahit napagpilian na ung mga . Ang bungad pa nga nya, nung nagkasalubong kami at papapiliin ko na siya ng pasalubong, "ung dolphin ko?" (paano mo alam na may dolphin sa choices mo?) Pero may little boo-boo ako. Tinanong niya kung kailan kami umalis. Sabi ko Monday, e Sunday kami umalis... Naku...

I tried praying about all these things... matindi at masinsinang pagdadasal... and the Lord has granted most of my prayers, and even sent me several signs... then again, the devil can conjure these signs as well... and now I'm a bit scared... confused and scared...

Maybe I'm just too confused about what I really feel, and as a result, I'm inconsistent with my words, text messeges, and actions...
Maybe I'm taking these things too seriously...
Maybe I'm just imagining things...
Maybe I'm relying on prayers too much, and being too religious to a fault (did you get that? I did not get it either... but this is what's going on in my mind...)
Maybe I need some guy input or advice, to help me understand the male psyche...
Maybe I need to backtrack further to understand why I made you this angry...
Maybe I just need to forget all these and move on... and deal with my hang-ups first...

Hindi ko na tuloy alam kung friends pa rin tyo... Will our friendship suffer because of this? Pero sana itago mo yung dolphin...

When you're feeling down because of an unrequited love, it's good to reminisce about past possibilities...

to the author of this poem, if ever you come across this blog of mine... wala po akong balak mag-plaigiarize... sakto lang siya sa situwasyon ko ngayon... and in fairness... ang galing mong sumulat ng tula :)


Chances

Sometimes there are things we just can't explain.
Why sometimes we can't express our feelings.
Why we can't look in each other's eyes.
Why when we are there at the right place at the right time,
we don't take chances to be together...

There are some things WE can't explain.
Why WE keep on longing for SOMEONE.
Why WE keep on doing silly things for SOMEBODY.
Why WE smile whenever we hear HIS/HER name.
Why when chances are strong, WE lose hope...

There are some things HE can't explain.
Why HE keeps on running after HER.
Why she's always on HIS mind.
Why when there's a chance SHE would talk, HE can't speak...

There are some things SHE can't explain.
Why SHE keeps on uttering HIS name.
Why SHE keeps on missing HIM when he's within HER reach.
Why there's a chance HE would smile, SHE bows her head...

There are some things "I" can't explain.
Why "I" keep on hoping YOU would look MY way.
Why MY heart beats fast whenever WE meet.
Why "I" don't know how to behave when YOU are around.
Why "I" keep on holding on when YOU can never be mine.
Why when chances are strong, MY heart is weak...

There are some things in this world that cannot be explained.
Why WE sometimes feel unloved.
Why HE feels incomplete without HER smile.
Why HER life won't make sense without a sight of HIM.
Why "I" keep on breathing because of YOU.
Why when WE are ready to LOVE, the chances fade...

Ang tagal ko na naman hindi nakapag-blog... ang daming kalaban sa PC! Our PC is open almost 24 hours... dami din mga nangyayari (from my point of view) na nagpapaisip sa akin... i'm trying to adjust to a lot of things as well... and my coping mechanism is to get lost in my thoughts and figure things out on my own... but i feel that it's almost over (or is it just the beginning?)... I'm still confused I guess (I'm not making sense)... anyway, just bullet updates for now...

• we have five new teammates... i have one teammate who's on maternity leave... i have another former teammate who wants to go back... everything's moving except me...
• we're in danger of losing our ideal shift. shift bid na, at kami ay pang-apat sa rankings. last week's stats pulled us down; we were number two prior to that. they're still deliberating if they will include last week's stats, so we still have hope. but if they retain the current standing, we might end up with a shift starting at 3pm... or a split off (naku, huwag naman sana)... alam ko pasaway ako na palaging nagsa-swap kaya na-split ang off... but i would still like having the option of that sat-sun off... or an early shift, kahit split off na... let's keep our fingers crossed...
  
• ang development kay misteryosong possibilty... we're going around in circles... pag nag-forward ako, hindi siya nagrereply (pero ok na ako kung hindi siya nagrereply, di na ko nagda-drama gaya ng dati)... pero pag siya na ang nag-forward, parang may laman, na parang nagpapa-asa... siguro nami-misinterpret ko ung iba, pero... minsan nga, naiisip ko, eto na naman tayo... kung kelan tanggap ko na, na textmates lang tayo... nakaka-pagod na minsan... hay...
  
• twisted logic about possibility: if our relationship is likened to a one-on-one basketball game, it's one twisted game. pag ikaw ang nagpapasa sa akin, pinapasa ko pabalik sa'yo... pero pag ako ang nagpasa sa'yo, hindi mo pinapasa pabalik sa akin... you set the pace, you call the shots. and i'm in the dark as to what the mechanics of this game is and where this game is headed... sabagay, hindi ako marunong mag-basketball...
• i'm doing major OT lately... saving up for my credit card bills... and my upcoming one-week vacation at boracay :) actually, sa september pa kami aalis at four days lang kami dun... but i'm planning to take the whole week off... kung may alam pala kayong suggestions on accommodation, etc, pls contact me :)
• nagte-thesis na ang kapatid ko at ang aming bahay ang kanilang "thesis venue"... ok lang din naman, full support kami sa aking bunsong kapatid... un nga lang, hinihiritan na niya ako about our PC... Win 2k pa kasi ang OS nmin at P3 lng na sobrang baba ng memory... gusto ko rin i-upgrade ang PC para makatulong sa thesis nila... un nga lang walang budget... puro na lang gastos at bayarin! waah!
• i noticed that i have short-term memory... ho hum...
  

Today, Blessed Marie Eugenie, founder of the Religious of the Assumption, will be canonized at St. Peter's Square in Rome. I just found out about it in the news, when they announced that Pres. Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo left to attend the canonization rites. I listed links to related articles below, for your reference.

the teachings of Mother Marie Eugenie or MME deeply influenced me, having studied at Assumption for nine years... i am who i am because of these teachings and they are my guiding principles in life... and i can relate to most of her realizations and thoughts... i remember, during my last years at Assumption, she was already declared Blessed Marie Eugenie, and we were praying for her canonization... now she will be declared a saint...

i can't help but feel nostalgic about MME's canonization... when i was a kid, i considered being a Religious of the Assumption, or an RA, because they seemed so happy, and they lived peacefully and simply, going about their duties faithfully, as their way of serving God... don't know what changed my mind (or have i really changed my mind? waah!)... i guess i don't really have the calling (imagine me, a nun... possible ba? hehe)...

anyway, i just want to share some of the teachings and thoughts from MME that have influenced me and guided me through life...

• My life must be a constant "yes" to God.
• Each of us has a mission on earth. It is simply a question of seeking how God can use us to make His Gospel known and lived.
• To be effective instruments, we must be CHRIST-CENTERED. We work for HIM, with HIM, in HIM, reflecting His personality, using his tactics.

one really weird thing... i've been reading some articles about her on the internet, and there's this quote that i can totally relate to right now...

"My thoughts are a troubled sea that tire and weigh me down. So much instability, never any rest... And then all those dreams of the heart, those needs for affection that nothing ever satisfies….And the anguish, the moments of disgust and boredom with life… I am alone, alone in the world, in a bitter isolation of the soul. And what does it all really matter? These friends that love me and yet don't know me, who shake me by the hand without worrying at all about my heart…When I am with them, I feel that I am more alone than ever." (1835. Notes Intimes. No. 151/01)

just a little background... they used to be rich, but because of financial failures, her family lost everything... her parents separated, and she lived with her mother... then when her mother died, her dad sent her away to different households... she was staying at a family friend's house at the time she wrote this... i find comfort in knowing that a person can experience so much pain and suffering, and still become a saint...

Related Articles:

• Pope Recognizes Miracle Attributed to Mother Marie Eugenie
• BLESSED MARIE EUGENIE OF JESUS (1817 - 1898)
• President leaves Saturday for Italy and Portugal
• Marie Eugenie's Canonisation